The Quitter who wants to Quit Quitting

Sandi — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 20:22:39 +0000

I sit here contemplating if I should quit smoking once again. It’s the first day of Summer, a new beginning, a fresh start. Smoking cessation has been my biggest battle for many years. The last time I quit (a few weeks ago), I quit cold turkey and that didn’t last me more than 3 days. The last time before that was in May, I wore the Nicotine Patch and that only lasted 8 days. And finally, my new year’s resolution quit date only lasted 18 excruciating days, where I fell off the wagon and jumped back on for another 3 days only to fail once more. They don’t call it the Nicodemon for nothing! Everytime I try, I keep failing. I have tried everything from cold turkey, patches, nicorette gums, laser, acupuncture and even hypnosis but nothing worked for me. How do I feel after my failure? I feel ashamed, weak and hopeless. Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying if I keep failing.

I recently watched Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition, an American television show where Chris Powell, a fitness and training expert helps contestants who are super obese reach their goal of losing about 50% of their body weight in 365 days. It was very inspiring to follow their struggle – especially at the start of their program, where they are sweating, huffing and puffing, crying and almost giving up, only to be pushed even harder. At the end of the one-hour show the contestant would reveal to his friends and family his transformation.

WOW! I can’t help but get teary-eyed. Then I thought to myself, wtf? “Why can’t I apply the same principles and just quit smoking!?” If they can lose so much weight through hard work, why can’t I go through the same struggle? I think my biggest fear is FAILURE.

I’m what you call a “hardcore smoker”, meaning I smoke about 2 packs (Canadian cigarettes have 25 cigarettes per pack) a day if not more! My first cigarette is when I wake up and my last smoke is in bed just before falling asleep. I don’t even know what it is like to be a non-smoker. I’ve smoked since I was 14 years old. I would even smoke when I was ill. Nothing could keep me away from my cigarettes.

So, what brings me here today? I have been thinking for the past few weeks (since my last attempt at quitting) keep trying! Last night I had a strange feeling in my chest where someone grabbed a hold of my heart and starting squeezing the hell out of it. It hurt real bad and scared me. It was like my body was trying to tell me something. My first thought was, “Oh oh, I better quit smoking man, I could be getting a heart attack” Then it happened again and I could hear my voice saying, “every cigarette is killing you”. I have to get this monkey off my back! Who cares if I get cold sweats, who cares if I won’t be able to concentrate, who cares if I become a bumbling fool who can’t even put two words together, who cares if I get moody and want to throw things or cry my eyes out. I know all too well what the withdrawal symptoms are going to be like (at least for me) because I’ve gone through them almost four times this year. This year has been the only year where I tried quitting so many times. This is going to be my 5th time and hopefully my final attempt.

Is there ever a good time to quit? No. I could always find an excuse why I shouldn’t quit today. I was thinking about the Montreal Jazz Festival which begins in a few days and how it wouldn’t be a good time to quit because I will be missing out on the festivities. Last week wasn’t a good time because I had to finalize my taxes (deadline was June 15th) and so on… I should quit today and stay quit.

On a final note, cigarettes are highly addictive, don’t ever start!

Smoking my Cigar and Lovin it!

Sandi — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 22:05:20 +0000

Here is a sample of my smoking a cigar for a fan. This is just a teaser clip. Want to know what I did with that cigar afterwards? Lol. You’ll have to guess and use your imagination! Yes I’m a bad cigar smoker because I inhale them!

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Sandi — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 08:26:45 +0000

About a month ago, the Smoking Fetish Kingdom site had a question with regard to ones five favorite smokers on the net. Yes, I choose you within my five. Why?? First, you are incredibly beautiful. Second, you along with cigarettes, smoke cigars. Third, you smoke in a way that isn’t fake, forced or staged. As an avid cigar smoker, I smoke each cigar for all that it is worth – getting as much smoke, taste etc. from each one. As I watch you smoke, you do the same and I so appreciate and love that. Knowing how I smoke and the taste that I want each time, I would love to french kiss you after each time you’ve smoked because I know that taste in your mouth would match exactly what I would be feeling after smoking my own cigars -Jerobaum

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Sandi — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 16:59:43 +0000

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Sandi — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 08:29:06 +0000